I sit here, cross legged and puffy eyed, with my laptop on my lap on our running dryer, keeping warm after a day where I felt I couldn't possibly get warm. Days like this have occurred for most of my life. The days where I felt like I can't do anything right. When I feel like my whole world is crashing down. When I just don't want to take it anymore. Days like these are difficult, but I always seem to wake up the next day feeling better, with a smile on my face. Sometimes I ask myself though, what is causing that smile? is it genuine, or is it just there so people won't ask what's wrong? Is it to cover up all the pain and hurt that has accumulated throughout the past 15 years of my life?
This past sunday at church our Pastor had a very strong message, with a smart metaphor. You see, recently mould, has been discovered in the basement of the church. He explained, that for mould to grow it needs a dark, and moist place to grow. Then he went on to explain how if we make our soul a dark place filled with sins, and wrong-doins that we never let out and never express to God, (metaphorically giving it light) the metaphorical mould will start to grow. He explains that to stop the metaphorical mould from growing we must do three things. These three things are a resemblance of what alcoholics use to recover from their addictions.
First we must admit to God that we have a problem, or have sinned. Second we have to admit to ourselves that we have a problem, or have sinned. Lastly we have to admit to a friend, or other human being that we have a problem, or have sinned. Something to note though, is that not only do you need to admit to wrong doings that you have done, but you have to express wrong doings that have been done to you. Our Pastor used the example of a man that he hated for years, and how, one day he just let it all out, and he told someone about his hatred for this man, and why he hated him. After doing this, our Pastor revealed that he could no longer hate that man. Why? Because he had forgiven him!
Wether this technique works or not, I have yet to find out. I have a feeling it's not a one day process. I for myself know that for myself to reveal everything that has happened to me, and everything I've done a will be a long process. But it's a process that I'm willing to try because I deserve to be happy.
Something that almost brought me to tears this past Sunday was one single statement that our pastor made, that I will never forget, and will help me through tough times in the future. The statement was "God knows everything that has happened to you.". This blew me away and made me speechless (something that doesn't happen very often). Just the thought that someone knows absolutely everything that has happened to me, has been there the whole way. And maybe, just maybe, can fathom how I feel on these days when I'm sitting on the dryer, trying to get warm, with delicate tears running down my face.
The point of this post was not to preach about God, the point was to maybe, possibly help just one person out there who feels the same way I do. And to realize believing is something is better then believing in nothing.